Spring Arrives: New Beginnings, Cherry Blossoms, and a Barbie Phone
I had intentions to write a blog post summarizing personal lessons learned and overall thoughts on my trip to Brazil, but a fifth blog post for a 12 day trip felt a little too much. I think I’ll just sprinkle it in here and there as it comes up naturally, similar to how it has become in my conversations at this point.
With that said… I came back to spring in Portland! The daffodils were blooming with enthusiasm, robins and sparrows were chirping softly in the quiet afternoons, and Daylight Savings Time had begun. It seemed as if the world outside matched how I felt internally, bubbling with renewed energy and ready for new beginnings. I was smiling at old ladies on the street, making conversation with strangers for the sake of conversation, and excited to start my new volunteering gig that would position me for a career change.
I spent most of December thinking on what direction I wanted to take my career long-term after being laid off, and landed on teaching after conversations with my good friend Hamza around Christmas time at Discovery Park in Seattle. When I first started college, Education was my initial major, but I changed it after being roasted by a teenager in a high school during a classroom shadow. I lacked the self-confidence at eighteen years old to subject myself to the inevitability of teenage criticism, and changed my major to Sociology to understand the world better after growing up under the oppressive shadow of East Texas’s Pine Curtain.
Needless to say, the confidence and security I have in myself has grown in magnitudes in the last fourteen years. And over those fourteen years, the opportunities I have had to teach others (adults or kids), creates a fulfillment within me that is uniquely nourishing.
In lieu of the promise/threat of a Christian afterlife as a guiding force, my personal life motto is “leave it better than you found it.” The concept originated from hiking/camping culture, but I’ve co-opted it to create meaning within my interactions with others. Teaching aligns with this philosophy much much much more than what I was doing previously, Human Resources/Talent Acquisition for a company that focused on food and agricultural product manufacturing. My desire is to teach English/Language Arts because of the fact that reading changed my life, and writing helped me appreciate it.
New Beginnings
Before I left for my trip, I met with an advisor from the education department for Portland State University to determine what I needed to obtain my Masters so I could teach in schools. The program requires prior experience teaching kids/youth and recommendation letters in order to grant admission, so I brainstormed with my therapist on what I could do to gain that experience in a way that felt meaningful and invigorating for me. She suggested I look into a local non-profit, AMP, or the Artist Mentorship Project. AMP’s mission is to “support youth navigating the trauma of homelessness by creating community, relationships, and music and arts mentorships so that self esteem is enhanced, confidence is fortified, and pathways out of homelessness are built.”
I’m not going to spill all my life’s beans here in this blog, but this mission deeply resonates with me on a personal level. The comfort of creating and witnessing art has shaped me into the person I am today. Additionally, both art and community have helped me find meaning in some of my darkest moments.
So! I now spend 8 hours there a week. One shift, I prepare meals for 40-60 people. Growing up in the South and spending time in the Midwest have reinforced the value that cooking for others is showing them you care for them. Living alone, the closest I get to cooking for others on a consistent basis is sharing a can of tuna with my cat named Tuna. Knowing that I get to make dinner for a large group of people once a week fills my heart!
On the other shift, the short-term plan (after building a level of comfort and trust with the people there), is to host poetry and photography workshops. I’m still shaping how these are going to look since I am not an expert in either, but I think enthusiasm and passion trump expertise any day. Currently, I’m honestly just hanging out and chatting and making art with others. Not a bad way to spend a Monday evening.
Cherry Blossoms
Every spring, along Portland’s downtown waterfront park on the Willamette River, an urban oasis becomes alive. The ceaseless fountain of blooming cherry blossom trees fills the air with the sweet scent of perseverance. On a warm day, you’ll find thousands of people enjoying the scenery. Picnic blankets rest upon the still-wet ground like paper mâché. Photographers scurry about in search of the perfect shot to represent this moment of pure bliss. Street musicians add to the sensory experience like chefs seasoning a meal as it heads out the kitchen door.
This Tuesday, I was one of those thousands of people; Both enjoying a picnic in the unseasonably warm weather, and also practicing my newfound skill of asking strangers to take their photo. After spending the last 4-5 years primarily taking photos of landscapes and street photography, I’m ready to branch out into something new (scary)! I have found myself more recently drawn to the work of documentary photographers like my friends Kimberly and Zoe, or the street portrait photographer based in Portland who uses the handle @palebluewave.
I think my social anxiety has kept me from doing things like this in the past, with the belief that I’m bothering people I know by taking their photo or bothering people I don’t know by “cold-approaching” them in public. Anxiety makes those assumptions for me without letting the truth arise or letting someone else share how they feel. I also have had a hard time directing people on how they should pose for pictures, feeling like I am not enough of an expert to tell someone how to position their own body.
Something changed within me during my trip to Brazil because of being unable to communicate with people and hear their stories or share my own. What a gift it is to be able to connect! Most people want to be spoken to! That’s what makes us human! The book I read on the flight back, How to Know a Person, really shifted my perspective on how amazing it is to share even the briefest exchange with someone. Every human is inherently creative, because they are someone who has created their own understanding of the world, and created their own stories to share who they are with others.
Before and after the lovely picnic, I walked around taking pictures and soaking in the atmosphere. After months of not seeing hardly anyone at the waterfront aside from specific events, it is so nice to see a park being used for its intended purpose. A third place.
I asked a couple people if I could take their pictures, and I’ll share those here. I also have some more shots you can find on the gallery page of my website.
Barbie Phone
Due to the threat of phone theft in Brazil, I found myself using my smartphone sparingly while out and about. Since I have chosen to use social media very infrequently, only occasionally updating my photography account, I was mostly using my phone for Google Maps and to text my friends. I found myself reflecting on how a goal of so many people while vacationing, is to reduce the amount of time they spend glued to their phone. Why is that?
The desire to disconnect from an online world, one that influences our mood even if the moment in front of us is perfect.
The desire to ask others for advice or directions, sparking adventure and unknown possibilities from a lack of knowledge.
The desire to be present, to be able to soak up as much of the moment as possible, knowing that time is limited and today will never come again.
Why can’t those goals continue at home?
I’m aware some people need a smartphone for their job. I also understand some people need (want) a smartphone for safety reasons. But I’m also reminded of a time in which we managed to survive and even thrive, without being hyperconnected and never inconvenienced for long.
I have had a smartphone since I was nineteen years old. A smartphone has changed my life in positive ways. A smartphone has also exacerbated my anxiety, and stymied my innate creativity and curiosity. The distraction has always been there when I want to dissociate or find validation.
The average American spends 4-5 hours a day using their phone. I am likely average in this regard, and I have definitely been above average during depressed moments of my life. 4 hours a day becomes 60 days out of the year on a palm-sized screen that is literally designed to steal our attention.
I won’t preach to you with things you already know any further. This was only context to say that I am guilty of this addiction and have been wanting to break free of it for a long time. I don’t have the self-control to abide by time limits for apps, or only using the web browser for social media. I don’t have the strength to only use my phone in greyscale, or to not use it in bed. I no longer feel shame about these things, as they don’t reflect a moral failing on my part. Shame does not often spark consistent and purposeful change, but acceptance can.
I have been eyeing “dumbphones” like the Light Phone for the last couple years now. At a $300 price point, I found them too personally expensive to purchase. I looked into cheaper flip phones, but it didn’t seem like any had the specifics of what I wanted, namely the ability to use Google Maps since I don’t have a vehicle and rely on public transit. A lot also had very poor reviews, noting that the phone was so unresponsive or glitchy, that the frustration led the user back to a smartphone. So, the thought left me and I continued on as normal, but trying to reduce my usage by deleting apps like TikTok and Instagram.
In a Discord group comprised of friends from the Madison, WI area, my friend Liz shared that she would no longer be as easily accessible. She was “downgrading” to the Light Phone and would only be using Discord on her computer, mostly on weekends. The fire of change was lit within me once again, feeling proud of my friend for making a healthy choice in her life, and inspired by her courageousness.
I dove back into the research, finding more options in 2025 thanks to the Gen-Z fueled dumbphone boom. I landed on the HMD Barbie Phone, at a total cost of $99, spread across 3 months. It had everything I wanted, and also looked cute/cunty as hell. I figured it would be a good conversation starter so I could get on my soapbox, and simultaneously a little embarrassing to use out in public since it looks like a toy.
So begins my journey and attempt to reclaim the magic of a life disconnected. I’ll come back in a month or so to share how it has gone for me. Maybe I will get a little lost sometimes. Maybe I’ll miss out on something. Maybe I’ll hate it, but learn more about what I want and who I am. Who knows? I do know there will be bumps along the way, but the bumps allow us to slow down and take in the world surrounding us.
